2024 is here! And with it, an endless stream of ‘New Year, New Me’ posts. But all cliches aside, the new year can be an amazing time to pause, reflect, and plan for the year ahead. The ending of a year represents a fresh start, a blank slate, which can boost our resolve to make positive changes in our lives. We excitedly jot down our lofty Resolutions in our journals on New Years Day:
‘This year, I’ll lose 10 lbs!’
‘This year, I’ll start saving for retirement!’
‘This year, I’ll spend less time on my phone!’ (I’ve made this resolution a few too many times)
And for the first few weeks, we do great. We keep up with our healthy eating, our budget, our social media detox. And then it gets hard. After weeks of working out and the scale has barely budged, our motivation plummets. We bend our strict budget a bit more each week and suddenly, we don’t have any money left over to contribute to our RRSP. We find ourselves scrolling through Instagram for hours, yet again.
Why does this happen? Here are 4 reasons why you struggle to stay on track with new years resolutions, and what to try instead:
You’re focused on an outcome, instead of a behaviour
Many people set outcome goals for themselves, because this is what our culture constantly tells us to do. Outcome goals are things like running a marathon, getting a promotion, or finding a partner. There’s nothing inherently wrong with setting outcome goals, but they do have some shortcomings.
First, we rarely have 100% control over an outcome. You can start a new hobby, ask a friend to set you up, and go on regular dates, and still not find a partner. This can make you feel like a failure and cause you to fixate on the fact that you’re still single, instead of celebrating how much confidence you’ve gained by putting yourself out there and how much fun you’ve had connecting with new people.
Second, they don’t always lead to lasting change. Oftentimes, after we achieve the outcome we hoped for, we slide back to old habits. We run the marathon then stop training altogether. We ace the big exam then don’t apply the knowledge. Ongoing behaviours are more likely to turn into habits that persist with in the long-term.
And last, they can lead to this endless ‘seeking and pursuing’ mentality, what some call ‘the hedonic treadmill’. We can easily live our life jumping from one outcome goal to the next, without pausing to appreciate the life we have in the present. We get stuck in this cycle of ‘I will be happy when ___’ or ‘I can relax when ____’, but I think most of us know from experience that, once we achieve some finite outcome - get the promotion, buy the car, find the person - it’s not this magic pill that suddenly makes us happy. That’s just not how life works. As cheesy as it sounds, happiness lies in the journey - in appreciating and savouring your life in the present and by continuously living out your values.
So what’s the alternative? Behavioural goals! These focus on the actions you take on a day-to-day basis that you have full control over and will make your desired outcome more likely (not certain, but more likely!). You could think of this more like habits, routines, or systems. For example, if your outcome goal is to find your dream job, you might set a behavioural goal of researching jobs for an hour every week, or speaking to a career coach on a regular basis, or journaling about your career aspirations for 10 minutes a day. These goals are within your control. They’re also more likely to lead to lasting change and a sense of greater peace and satisfaction, knowing you’re doing something that’s important to you, on a regular basis.
2. You’re setting the bar too high, instead of making your goals realistic
I can’t stress enough how important it is to start small and realistic. We often set very high expectations for ourselves, thinking the small goals won’t make any real difference in our lives. But what happens is we usually set the bar TOO high, struggle to reach it, then beat ourselves up thinking WE are the problem, when really, the goal was the problem. Small habits are easier to maintain, and cumulate over time to create the big changes that really last in our lives.
I always ask my clients to rate their confidence in accomplishing a particular goal on a scale of 1-10. The goal must be realistic based on the amount of time, money, physical health, support, knowledge, and skills you have. Any lower than 7 means a couple of things - either you need to revise the goal to make it more realistic, or gain new resources to bump that number up to a 7 or higher.
3. Your goals aren’t based in your values
Values are your heart’s deepest desires, the way you want to act on an ongoing basis. Adventure, play, compassion, reliability, connection, are all examples of values. Your values are uniquely yours, and are as individual as your preference in ice cream flavours. Why is it crucial that your goals align with your values? If a goal isn’t important to YOU, if you’re only doing it because you “should” or because your partner or society told you to, it’s pretty difficult to stay motivated. Anyone was pushed into a particular program or career path by their parents, will understand this deeply.
Before even setting goals, I’d urge you to identify your core values in different areas of your life (think work, leisure, education, work, relationships, and self-growth). Some useful questions to ask yourself are:
‘What kind of person do I want to be?’
‘What qualities and strengths do I want to contribute to the world, my work, my relationships?’
‘How do I want to treat myself and others?’
‘How do I want to look after my mental, physical, and spiritual health?’
There are also tons of values lists online you can review to see what qualities jump out as important to you.
Once you’ve chosen your values, you may find it easier to develop goals that are in alignment with these values. It can be incredibly helpful to come back to these values time and time again when you find your motivation dipping (because it will, you’re only human!).
4. Your goals are too fuzzy and vague
Goals should involve concrete behaviours you’d like to engage in - things that I would be able to observe you doing or saying if I were a fly on the wall. This could sound like:
“I will walk for 20 minutes every day after lunch” instead of “I will prioritize my health”
“I will eat dinner with my family every Wednesday and Sunday” instead of “I’ll spend more time with my family”
You’ll want your goals to be measurable and as specific as possible - specify when, where, and for how long you’ll engage in the behaviour to set yourself up for success.
And that's it! Now find a quiet space, grab a pen and paper, and get crackin'!
P.S. I know that effective goal-setting is only one piece (albeit an important piece!) of the puzzle. Stay tuned for my next post on strategies to stay on track with your goals, no matter what life throws your way!
Looking for a little extra help with setting the right goals and staying motivated? Book a consultation with me to see how counselling can support you!
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